“It’s on all the time, why bother?”

TV comedy quiz Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown is having special measures put in place to ensure the description ‘New Series’ cannot be used. Channel 4 bosses decided on the move due to the show’s prolific broadcast schedule.

“We’re treating it not so much as a TV programme as an epidemic,” commented an unnamed source. “Cats Does Countdown does great business for 4 but there are currently 484, 000 episodes in circulation with another 250 being filmed over the next couple of weeks. As these shows feature the same 12 people we feel it’s debatable to claim future episodes are ‘new’, bearing in mind the similarity of the content. It seems excessive to me, and I’m Channel 4’s Director of E************, C****** M******* VII!”

What prompted the move was a focus group discussion where viewers were grilled about their viewing habits. Our source continues:

“The researcher said: ‘We’ve got this great new episode of Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown where all these funny things happen. Jimmy Carr makes a joke about Susie Dent being promiscuous. David O’ Docherty plays a song about a fisheries museum on the xylophone. Johnny Vegas goes on a rant about his dietary requirements and Jon Richardson passes the time amiably with a load of props.’ And the test subjects just looked at us and said: ‘Well they’re all like that.’ We then realized we had a unique set of circumstances that could only be remedied by revoking the ‘New Series’ status. As one viewer put it: ‘It’s on all the time, why bother?'”

Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown was devised as a one off to celebrate the channel’s proclivity toward innovation. After rave reviews the concept was expanded into a full series, with some of Britain’s top comedy talents appearing in order to talk about how rubbish they are at maths and spelling.

“Now we’re treating the show as one entity, everyone is much clearer about the situation,” said the source.

We tried reaching the Cats Does Countdown producers for comment but they are presently seeking comedic inspiration beyond the boundaries of our known universe.