We are delighted to report that news has gone up 88%. This huge increase means the country won’t have to worry about news until at least 2026.

There was concern that news would run out again, as it did in the 1970s, when the famous “news drought” led to newspapers printing soup recipes and children’s poetry in large font to bulk out editions.

“This is excellent news,” commented Alec Sigma, Chief News Analyst at the University of News. “Journalists and normal people can now sleep soundly in their beds knowing they are living in a country chock to the brim with news!”

It’s thought the news level can be managed to avoid a repeat of 1996, when the famous “news ocean” almost drowned the nation in news, leading to the tragic sight of reporters desperately chucking excess news out of buckets onto passers-by.

The News was unavailable for comment.